[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.