if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”