Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
everyone’s a critic
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I like donuts.
Twitter:
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.