Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
The first matador
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY