Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
man: wait
time: no
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.