Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things