I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If only
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I can’t stop watching this.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.