me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*