Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus