Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I love art.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The Weeknd is back
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?