Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
one last job
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box