I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?