Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
bought wrong eggs
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays