I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food