I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Kidney stones? Hard pass
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-