the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
no one likes gloating
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car