me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.