processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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yall want some gasoline milk
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I have many caverns
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play