Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Eat…
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*