The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
excuse me
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.