sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?