[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Got ya covered
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Pizza is an emotion right?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.