*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
You Might Also Like
This hospital has everything
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.