*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I think we should hear other voices.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast