My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.