Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
You Might Also Like
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.