married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
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Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late