I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.