I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
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My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent