Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
this is literally a CIA plant
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation