son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.