Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
You Might Also Like
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
lol
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?