Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
respect
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
this is the best day of my life
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
what it’s like dating me:
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.