Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
😎 🍻
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.