*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
my first day as a raccoon
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.