him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?