Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
concern
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.