I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I unironically love this joke.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.