Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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real
And that about sums it up.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Usage Guidelines
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”