9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.