[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
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[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Cheers Twitter.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.