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[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?