therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t