A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
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My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair