[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
When I pack too much for a short trip.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*