Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Just so funny
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands