My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Merica.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.