My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.