attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight