I think this should do it.
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
what do you want!!!!!!!!